well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
