i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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