My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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