hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
