she woke up with a sticky ear
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
