Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
