Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
