rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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