god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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