3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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