If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Randomize
