i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
