i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
