Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
