Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
