did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
