My hand turned me down
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
