i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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