Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Define "chronic" masturbator.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
