My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
That's how pantless uber rides happen
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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