after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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