last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
