I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
