I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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