Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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