It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
