that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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