I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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