Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
