So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
