Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
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