I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
this must be what syphilis tastes like
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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