i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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