just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
People in love make me want to vomit
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
