I would go down on you faster than GM stock
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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