I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
