She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Never underestimate the power of titties
So here I am, sexting at work.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
