i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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