I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
