tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
