I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
