$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
