Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
