so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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