Cold hands, warm shart.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
