I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
