i jhust puked up my retainher.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
