god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
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you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
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I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.