I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I intend to get homeless drunk
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
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you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
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Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.