a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
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She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
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Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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