I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
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Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
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Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you