We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
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Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
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I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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