I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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