She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
