She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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