I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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